I have chosen the title 'A MOMENT IN TIME' because some of my poems reflect a particular moment in my life.
PTSD AND ME, MY JOURNEY
My PTSD journey started with backward steps. I was employed enjoying work and family life. Then one incident was the trigger that lead to ill health early retirement and withdrawal.
I took shelter inside my shell (tortoise time) and hid away, trouble is your feelings and problems are inside the shell with you, there is no escape, you can’t hide anywhere. I hope to be able to show you how I struggled to understand what happened and w things I learned along my journey.
I mentioned the trigger; this was what caused me to experience full PTSD symptoms. The trigger can be anything, either related to the trauma, watching a film or the news on TV or even something totally out of the blue, let’s say like an argument over someone pinching a parking spot. Looking back I think that some small signs may have been present for years, just little things some disturbed nights and feeling low more than I used to. I remember having what I now know to be a panic attack, we were in the garden and I suddenly felt overwhelmed by fear, I curled up into the foetal position then ran indoors up to bed where I thought everything would be Ok, only to find that the feelings was still present. I didn't feel safe even indoors; I just don't know where it came from.
The incident that was my trigger happened during the day, I was fine until I went to bed that night, where everything I had kept locked away for years suddenly burst out of the box and into my head.
Everyday things that were normal became foreign to me, washing, eating properly, self-esteem and worse of all just wanting to be left alone, I was so absorbed in feelings of guilt, grief and sadness; I felt no love for those close to me.
All the time I was convinced it was me that was bad and not worthy.
Took me a long time to realise that the reflection in the mirror was really me, being able to see that was the first step on my road to recovery. It’s not an easy journey and there are lots of miles to cover. By making that decision to take back control means you have to accept some help along the way. You have to be open and honest about how you feel and be determined to get your life back on track.
You have to ask for directions on your journey, you have to take a break and take stock of how far you have come and what you have achieved, give yourself time to breathe. It’s a long journey to do alone, so share your experiences It takes a lot out of you so take it slowly, yes, you may well have some problems along the way, but with the tools and knowledge you acquire as you go along you can fix those, relax don’t get worked up, look at the problem take it apart make sense of it then carry on
The end of the journey is not the end, it’s a destination that you are happy and comfortable with; you are in control so you know when you have reached it.
I am not an expert on anything to do with PTSD, just a person who has arrived at a stage where I have learned to live with it, and when I have a bad day; it is just that, a bad day.